LIKE COME ON.
if you hate me then just say so.
why go to such extend to screw my life up?

but like LEXINE says.
i shouldn't let it affect me at all.
and its during times like this that i know who friends really are.
so i should keep my chin up!
and hope that no one is going to judge me for this.
but then again.
what she said was right.
so i'll just keep my head up.

i almost didn't want to go to school today.
but i have a test.
and just didn't feel like school.


and i don't want to taste like AMAZING'S cookies.
cause i bet they taste horrible.
and i taste really good okay!
and i have no time to do pudding for you la!
but i think i must wait for another two years to make you some.
cause if you eat them now.
everything will be stuck on your ugly braces!
then everyone would think that you have rotten teeth!
and i swear i lead by example.
i am SO NOT LAZY!
and i'm seriously serious about it yo.


and for those who are thinking why there's like a yo.
well.
i don't know.
a habit i picked up from my friend i guess.
so i should kick myself off the habit.

i wanna buy a new back pack!
so that when i have to go to school and work.
i can put my laptop and my uniform in that bag.
so i don't need to carry so many things.
and no.
an airwalk bag is not an option.


and i just want to let something out.


who the fucking hell do you think you are?
you think people like getting fucked up by you?
just cause you're a so call senior staff.
and you earn fifty cents more.
and you spoil everyone's day by pissing them off.
i try to be nice to you.
i tried to say bye.
but you just pretend that i'm not there.
so be it.
i just hope that i don't always have to work with you.
stop saying how great you are.
that you can't always be here to train them.
well.
when you were never around.
who was the one training them?
and it all became my responsibility.
and you just took the credit.
i know i'm not perfect.
i know i'm not up to standard yet.
but still.
you're not either.
you've worked for so long.
i don't see you going anywhere.
i'm going to work hard.
and be better than you.
i'll achieve my aim of being part time manager.
and when i do.
i'll be so damn nice to you to make you regret that you were ever horrible to me.



i never wanted to drift.
away.
but the truth is.
there were times where i felt that there was nothing to hold on to.
nothing to fight for.
but i'm not going to give up.
cause i've lost too many things in this lifetime.
and i dont want to regret anything when i die.
if i die young.

i want to go to tuscany.
its in italy by the way.
where its like paradise you know?

just totally reminds me of the movie i watched long ago.
about this writer who had a writer's block and went to tuscany.
to get away from her ex-husband who was demanding alimony and writer's block.
and there.
she found a whole new life.

i want to find a new life.
and if i have enough money.
i wanna go there.
buy a house on impulse.
and start everything all over again.

maybe its just a fantasy.
but just imagine.

a life where you can start everything over.
without a past.
when you start something and your past won't catch up with you.

thats a life i want.
maybe.
just maybe.
and hopefully i get it.

i finally found the shoe i wanted.
lets home i can find it tomorrow and bargain!

enough of this maybe.
why don't we just talk this out?
it would be better for all of us.
and i really do mean all of us.

i hope i made lexine's day.
or was it night.
but yeah.
i know things are getting better.

i'm at math now.
and i'm off to kill myself.
soon.

i should say THANKS to my AMAZING one.
for reality checks even though i hate them.
just hoping that things will get better though.
cause i miss the times where we had Ben and Jerry's together.
and went shopping together.
and had yummy and expensive food together.
yeah.
those were the times before all the horrid stuff happened.

maybe i dont want to do this anymore.
or i should just give up.
cause i'm happy the way i am.
and i don't want to change just yet.

urgh!
tummy ache!
but no its gone.
farted for abit.
so yeah.
forgive me for making the class smelly.

i hope bestfriend is awake.
like now.

let me just go off to breakfast.
and when i have something else to write.
then i'll come back.

truth be told.
you were better when I knew you.
before everything else happened.
before you left.
its not right.
maybe its wrong for me because i can't let it go.
now?
i don't know you.
no one does.
and i bet no one is trying either.
cause you've become such a jackass.
you've changed so much that all they see is the facade you've put up.
you've told me so many times that you're a great actor.
great actor= great liar.
so what am i to believe that you tell me now?
you said that you can't be close to me because you're scared that it will affect everything.
fine.
i'll accept that.
so i'll continue.
to do what you want me to do.
but i'm not going to be blind about what is going on.
but i'm not going to judge.
but i'm not going to be silent.
i'm not holding on to the hurt.
i'm not holding on to nothing.
i'm holding on only because i can't let go.

forgive me for still hoping.
but then i realised.
that what i'm hoping for.
was what happened two years ago.
where you haven't changed.
where you're still the person i loved so dearly.
but hey.
i still love you now.

i'm so unhealthy.
and i think i should stop.
but let me finish it yo.

grades are picking up.
thats good yo.
i hope it would pull up my already horrible grades.
that should be a good thing.
i want my grades to be better.

my bestfriend totally cheered me up.
thanks for he really sweet message that you sent me.
early in the morning.
you made my day.

so its off to th gym tomorrow.
and sneaker shopping on wednesday.
and dunfu is going to sponsor me my sneakers.
now all thats left is shirts and underwear for chinese new year!
i need money!
i'm waiting for my pay.
and my mummy isnt giving me my allowance.
so if anyone is willing to sponsor me anything.
let me know.

and i'm not getting the tattoo already.
too painful and noisy yo.


you're already having so much on your plate.
and now.
you're getting yourself involved in more things.
you're going to break.
how are you going to handle it.

okay.
i need to exercise my lungs.
i really need it.

youth rally.
maybe its kind of a disappointment.
just didn't feel a connection with God.
and my bestfriend was upset.
i think i know why.
i hope i did something to cheer you up.

don't just say anything.
maybe it would work if i see actions.
it wasn't blame.
just a statement.

lexine;
thanks for the support.
no matter what.
your words made me smile when i left that i was going to lose alot of things.
i love you.


these past few days passed by kinda quickly.
and i feel so detached.
i dont know.
but thank you bestfriend.
you make something worth remembering.


nessa.
you dont need so many friends.
just a few close ones that you can count on.
until the end of time.
and i know who i got.
a bestfriend who was there for so many years.
a son who will never leave me.
my very special wonder.
my stupid mushroom.
and my chewy toufu.
they are more than enough to last me throughout my life time.
and they are a blessing.
i love you all.

hopefully its the last time i say anything emo about you.
but yeah.

i cant help it when your promises keep ringing in my ear.
saying that it will be forever.
when you told me that you would never want to leave me.
remember those late night when we talked on the phone?
until three or four in the morning?
when you said nothing but i love you for minutes in a row?
where you can make me smile or laugh or cry with just a few simple words?
what happened?

i still remembered every hug.
every touch.
every kiss.
everything else.
and i remembered you saying those faithful words.
i don't love you anymore.

why promises when you know it wouldnt last?
why bring my hopes up when you're making me fall.
why say you'll be there when you know that i'll land with no safety net.
just simply.
why?

i'll never forget what you did to me.
i'll stop wallowing in self pity.
i'll be a better person without you.
and i'll show you that i can be happy.
without you.

i want back my book.
the one i gave you two years ago on chirstmas.
it doesnt matter if you dont want to bring me to the zoo.
and if you still owe my my birthday present.
but i want that book back.
and my cds.
i dont care about the money you owe me.
just that book and my cd.
thanks.

first things first.

LEXINE.
I LOVE YOU TO BITS AND PIECES.
DOESNT MATTER WHAT WE'VE BEEN THROUGH IN THE PAST.
I STILL LOVE YOU.
some people are assholes by nature.
so let them be.

you're not trying to do anything now.
i guess you were really serious.
dont say that i'm giving you the cold shoulder.
you said that you needed this.
i'm just giving you want you wanted.
like i said i would.
so dont complain.

claire said that she wants to get into the mind of sean iseral.
and i dont know why.
she wants to know whats going on in his head.
but i was laughing at her.
i think she'll go insane trying to know whats in his head.

i almost cried last night.
cause i felt like such a failure.
hopes were placed on me.
and i guess my pride got in the way too.
just by one mark.
to get my 100%.
and i gave the rest of them the right answer.
but hey.
i wanted to do my outlet proud.
maybe i did.
but i'll wait until FTQ.
yeah.
and i'll score hundred.
and really do my outlet proud.
and get the hundred dollars worth of vouchers from my darling manager.
two birds in one stone.
i totally believe in that.

for those who find a problem in my tagboard.
just click go. then they say you must enter name right?
click okay.
then you can type in your name.
then press tab to go to the message thingy.
then you tag nicely.
yeah.

how i miss the old LW.
but there isnt anything i can do but to try.

its just sad yo.
how we used to be so close and all.
to the point that you guys were complaining that i'm being difficult and not opening up to you guys.
what the deal about?
we've drifted apart.
but all i see is that both sides are not making any effort to make it better.

i've come to a point where if i've tried and nothing works.
i'll just give up.

like how i've told lexine.
but i dont want to feel that there is nothing to regret if i simply let this go.
i don't know.
but i dont want to give the impression that i cant be bothered.
like i dont care.
cause i do.

but nothing is going to happen when neither party is willing to make the first move.
sorry yo.

okay. so these are things that nessa wants to do.

(x) go to the gym.
(x) thread my eyebrows.
(x) go for a facial.
(x) invest in good skin care products.
(x) more make up.
(x) alot of eyeliner.
(?) waxing?
(x) GET FIT!

okay. this is the list i have for now.
because i'm not going to spend anymore money on clothes.
because i believe in looking good.
more than anything else.
cause if you look good.
you'll naturally feel good.
and when you feel good, you'll be happy.
and when you're happy, you give of good vibes.
and when you give off good vibes, people around you will feel better about you too.
and when they do.
everyone is happy!
see my logic?


know what i want to be in the next two years?
is to be like emy.
be a part time mananger and earn alot alot of money.
its a good idea isn't it?
i know i'm not going to stay in coffeebean the rest of my life.
but since i'm there.
i might as well just aim for it right?
like what jo says.
even though you like where you are and you're simply satisfied.
it never hurts to aim for something high and be better at what you do.
make sense doesn't it?
thats why her picture is up there yo!
my voice of logic.

i know i'm just damn tired now.
i'm cold and i'm having a tummyache.
its not a good thing yo.
it just isnt good.

and i know it isnt good to keep everything inside.
but what can i do.
since my closest friend left and i'm really lost.
now you know why its so difficult for me to trust?
because when i do.
entirely trust someone.
they just leave me.
and i simply feel lost all over again.
and it has happened once too many times.
so where do i go from now?
be a cynic and not trust anyone fully?
and keep everything to myself until one day.
i lose it.
it shouldnt be the case.
not at all.
lets just hope thing will look up for me.
although i can say that things are pretty stable.
there are some things that just can't be helped.

anyway.
i have been thinking.
how come GOD doesnt create rainbows anymore.
i dont see them on the way to school anymore either.
rainbows make me happy.
so GOD, if you want to make me happy.
make rainbows for me to see alright?
i dont mind getting wet in the rain.
so long as it makes me happy.

and when i go to year two.
i'm going to join a sport.
i'm not going to stay and dance anymore.
serious.
cause the people there arent exactly people.
so dunfu!
rock climbing?
no way am i going to join akido.
or however you spell it.
i don't want to die so young.

oh yes,
for my 18th birthday.
i know its stll so far away considering that i just passed my 17th birthday.
but i don't care anyway.
i'm not going to get drunk.
but as i was saying.
people!
i want a locket for my birthday.
or if anyone wants to give me a random gift.
i dont mind.
cause i went to vintage shops and they tell me that they dont have it anymore.
so yeah.
it got me kinda sad.

i think i typed too much.
so i should stop.
like now would be a good time yo.

thought you guys can read this.

What is the relationship between morality and professional ethics? (similarity, differences, do they conflict, converge?

I feel that the relationship between morality and
professional ethics have a very complicated relationship
with each other.
In terms of similarities and convergence, we can say
that some professional ethics are based on morals and
that somehow depend on each other. Take for example the
NKF scandal. Is it morally right to take money that you
did not work for? Especially when it is meant for people
who need it more for you. Is it right to abuse the trust
of the public that the money that they willingly donated
to help the less fortunate? On an individual basis, you
would automatically think that it is wrong because it is
the kind of morals you were brought up with since you
were a child. Isn’t the ethic of embezzling money based
on this moral is well? The fact that we do not take what
is ours and use it for our own selfish needs. Morals and
ethics in this case depend on each other is because
without the existence of the moral that we do not take
what is ours. Such professional ethics would not occur
as well. If everyone was brought up to not know that
stealing (take what is not theirs, money that was meant
to be donated to the foundation), would this particular
ethic be form? And if it wasn’t formed, would this
scandal be on the papers? And I bet that NKF would most
probably close down.
In terms of differences, morals do change over time.
Under the changes of culture and society as well as
influences on the individual. Whereas professional
ethics hardly change as time progress unless there is a
major change in its original system. The differences in
morals and ethics can result in conflict. Usually a
conflict in interests.
Taking a lawyer for example, if a lawyer is hired to
defend a serial killer and if the serial killer is known
to be guilty as there are substantial evidence to
sentence him to a death penalty. Would he follow his
code of ethics or his morals to uphold justice? Would he
push his morals aside to do what he is professionally
trained to do or would he reject the case so as to be at
ease with his conscience?
Another prime example would be a doctor in a moral and
ethics dilemma. Where the patient’s family wants the
patient to not survive because the patient is old and
has been suffering with the illness for a long time but
the doctor knows that the patient has a relatively high
chance of surviving before a particular surgery. Would
he end the misery of the patient according to the wishes
of the patient’s family or follow he doctor’s code of
ethics to save the patient and make sure he survives in
every way possible.
These are the few prime examples that clearly show the
differences of morals and ethics that lead to conflict
especially of interests.
The reason as to why I say the morals and ethics have a
complicated relationship is that most ethics are derived
from morals. Some of them can co-exist together
peacefully but can cause conflict at the same time. So
why is it that when most ethics are derived from morals
can cause conflicts? Maybe that is one question that no
one can really answer.

it is officially official.
yeah.
on ness'a 18th birthday.
she is either going to pierce her tongue or her belly.
and get a tattoo.
at the same time.

hey.
i only turn 18 once.
so why not make it something worth remembering?
so i guess i might as well and go have sex as well.

the last comment was a joke.
other than that.
its all serious.

if you want to sponsor me.
let me know.
if you are trying to tell me not to go get one.
don't let me know.
thanks yo!

disappointed?
yes.
heartbroken?
yes.
angry?
maybe.

i dont know how this can happen.
like i said.
i thought you were smart enough to stop by now.
but i guess i was wrong.
was it wrong to think that you might do something right?
was it wrong to hope that you would go your path in the right way?
was it wrong?
i can't force you.
what would you have felt if it was me.
if i went back to what i used to be.
how would you have felt?
oh right.
you would have felt nothing.
so whats the point of me saying all this?
maybe i still hope that you can change.
for the better.
hoping that you can stop.

and miss sheryl koh!
what happened to going to church.
to going to school together?
to seeing each other and taking so many picutres?
to everything?
have we even celebrated twelve years together?
i don't even think you'd remember.
oh well.
i'm glad you like the necklace.
its crystal by the way.
expensive shit.

dinner with mummy yesterday was to die for.
had so much of good food that i though i put on like 3kg!
had pepper prawns.
and crabs with cheese and stuff.
yummy yummy food!
after so long of eating coffeebean food.
hot cook food with variety seems like such a good choice.

well this week is going to be a damn busy week for me.
classes on tuesday and thursday.
like hello?
who studies about coffee and tea?
the art of coffee and signs of tea.
haha.
thats damn stupid.
but i really dont mind.
so long as there is eye candy in the class.


lexine!
i did not make you emo!
i promise!
when i'm done with school!
which is like 15 more days.
15 more lessons to be exact.
so yeah.
we can go wild shopping.
remember holland village?
yeah.

training was damn fun yesterday.
like whooo!
fannie was entertaining i must say!
yeah.
and i guess i've learnt alot alot.
so its back to the class room on tuesday and thursday.
so here was the conversation on the way home.

hidayah: you know ah, if your boyfriend suck right? it will be bigger and your butt will be firmer.
me: huh? wtf? suck what?
hidayah: boobs la! if your boyfriend sucks your boobs it will get bigger and your butt will be firm!
me: how the heck does sucking make your boobs bigger?
hidayah: cause of the hormones la!
me: thats if you have puberty la!
hidayah: really meh?
me: ya la! my boyfriend suck so many times and i don't see my boobs getting bigger.
that was a joke by the way.


nessa is doing all she can.
to make everything work.
school.
home.
church.
work.
claire.
yes, claire needs some working on.
i swear.
she is insane.
or maybe i'm just too busy to make anything work.
friendships.
relationships.
everything else.
so yeah.
forgive me if i seem uncaring to you.

i miss the old LW.
where everyone just contributes.
they need a little bit of work.
and then it would work.
but they have learnt.
and i'm proud of them.
and i dont think i can ever stop loving LW.
i dont think i can ever stop trying for them.
pris, audrey, amanda and i have tried so hard to build it up.
lets just hope that it can continue going strong.

we can only hope.


and through all the days where i can't pick myself up.
i thank dunfu.
for making me smile.
and being there when i need someone the most.

so what happened?
the love.
the friendship.
everything else.
you knew that i needed you.
cause you were my closest confidant.
cause you were the only one who knew me through and through.
honestly.
even though i agreed.
for you to be alone.
i was breaking inside.
and now i'm kinda lost.
i know i am.
you know that i dont just open up to anyone.
you know me so well.
and yet.
and yet you make a decision like that.
forgive me.
but the end has yet to come.
but i know.
just soon.
you know you're still the one.

i didn't go to school today.
rahh!
i was supposed to.
but i guess i was just too lazy.
and too tired.
and school.
yeah.
i really believe what apple said.
i rather that i have no life that have one with so many problems.
so what if i'm running away.
i'm better this way.

i'm better off alone anyway.
so i won't try.
to make this work.
cause i tried once.
and i'm sick of trying and trying and getting nothing in return.
so once is more than enough.
cause i dont want to waste my energy on something that most likely wont work out.
alone is good.
alone is good.
but claire said that i'm becoming more and more like you.
oh well.
fuck this.

i need to make myself happy.
and leave all this emoness somewhere far far away.

i miss you still though.
try to remember that.

oh.
and by the way.
say what you want to say about them.
i'm personally offended.
but fuck.
i'm not the one suffering.
you are.
so be it.
insult them all you want.
its not my fault that you can't be humble and accept that you're not as good as they are.
maybe its time you realise who is at fault and admit it and improve on it.
cause i know that they rock.
and i'm proud of them.
and i love them to bits.
so yeah.
up to you.
i don't care.


i don't help those who give a fucked up attitude.
so change that attitude of yours first.

happy birthday claire.

i just need more sleep.
serious.
im getting tired.
of so much.
of thinking.
of missing.
of taking steps back when i should be taking steps forward.
gosh.
this is so not good.
not good at all.

there are things that i know i should do.
but i do i go about doing it?
or just give up.
and see what god has in store for me.

sometimes joys is the source of you smile.
but sometimes.
you smile can be your source of joy.
i live by the quote right now.
since nothing much can make me happy.
i'll make myself happy by smiling.
like how brother arin told me.
smile cause you know that its going to get better.
and maybe its really going to get better.
i know it is.

i still miss you.
you pop into my mind so often.
even though i'm supposed to forget.
it isnt kinda working.
claire was asking why you didnt wish her happy birthday.
maybe its cause you didn't know.

i hate hangovers.
i really do.

honestly?
i am fucking pissed.
as in.
damn fucking pissed.

thanks alot of taking the credit.
cause we're team mates.
well.
i dont see you helping me when i needed it.
just go and play your fucking games la.
i dont need you to improve my grades.
if you want to play.
i'll play with you.

why do you think i broke up with you?

but thats not the point.
so go ahead and act.
see how long it will get you.
i did my work.
i know what i'm doing.
but you have no fucking idea.
so i'm fine.
it doesn't matter to me anyway.

so i'm satisfied.
cause i ate damn alot yesterday.
i went to vil'age yesterday for dinner.
cause i was craving for it.
it was sad that anthony couldn't join me and i could not treat him for his birthday.
oh well.
its your loss anthony!
cause i had really yummy food.
and it made me a happy girl.
considering that i didn't have to feed myself half the time.
i think dunfu makes good company.
like he has a personal mission to make me happy.
to make me forget.
you're my cool friend!

so i had dinner with shabin on saturday.
and he asked me so many questions that i can't seem to answer.
maybe i should think of an answer soon.
just maybe.
it would be a better choice.

i saw the "famous" blogger on monday.
xiaxue i think.
well.
she is short.
like.
really short.
but i think she knows that by now.
she looks kinda okay from far.
but her hair was the topic to talk about.
it was really long!
yeah.
but i was kinda dry at the end.
so it looked weird.
so i shall not comment on more.
before she comes and kill me or something.

so nessa had nothing interesting going on for the past few days.
but i did watch blood diamond.
so its a good thing that happened so far.
watched it with desmond and darrell.
in my uniform.
desmond promised to steal a diamond for me!
and have his own resturant in his own house?
even though it doesnt make sense.
it still sounds good to me.
cause i still get some of the pretty money.
and its the better choice.
to give me some of the money.
and played pool after that.
so it was a good day after all.
and that was monday.

i'm only blogging like this because shabin asked me too.
he said that my blog was boring cause i kept talking about stuff he didn't understand.


well call them what ever you want.
but i myself am proud of them.
cause they have proven themselves to be better than you.
and it doesn't matter to me anyway.
honestly.
i really cant be bothered now.
i have better things to think of rather than you.
or your inability to be humble.


choose what you want to do love.
but i know that i'm better than this.
telling my friend that he can do better made me realised that maybe i can too.
just maybe.
i've lost a little bit of faith.

if what i heard is true.
i have nothing to say.
none at all.
you just don't know that you have a special charm about you now do you?
yes you've changed.
everyone does.
who doesn't?
you can never go back to the way you were.
and neither can i.
but nothing has been the same since you've gone.
i know that she likes you.
but i guess you know that by now don't you?
you've always been to catch up on things like this.
maybe if you like her.
ad i said IF.
you might have something good.
who knows?
i mean, how long do you want to be alone?
no one can be alone forever.
no one is meant to be alone.

i know that you need your space.
and for the past year.
i haven't been a good a good enough friend to give it to you.
yes.
even if we're not talking.
i still have a feeling that you still read this.
just like i do.

i guess you read the message i sent you.
and probably deleted it by now.

i don't know why you asked claire that question.
i don't know how to answer.
but hey.
there is alot of things i want to say to you.
many things i want to show you too.
but signs keep popping up.
telling me that i'm losing it.
the ring.
the glass container of stars.
and many other little things along the way.

i still kept every little thing you gave me.
and i still treasure it.
which is why i don't dare the wear the jacket anymore.
just it case the colour keeps fading.
and the shirt too.
it getting out of shape.
which is not good.

i don't know why i just typed so much about him.
yeah. nessa you smartass.
i'm officially in depression.
cause i'm indulging in comfort eating.
yeah.
i've been eating and eating and eating.
so yeah.
its time for nessa to be fat all over again.


i get scared when i wake up.
only to find that you're truly gone.
what happened to your warmth?
what happened to you?
but i love you still.

i'm so disappointed in myself.
i just can't believe that i've gotten so low.
yes.
my self confidence went to the ground.
thank you very much.
maybe it was just better to get my bar cert from jo instead.
at least i wouldn't feel so useless.
the score was so unexpected.
seriously.
it just felt like i just passed on the dot which is so unexpected for me.
i mean.
i've been doing this for so long.
months even!
is it even possible to ask jo for a retest?
please?
a higher score would be better.
at least i wouldnt feel so useless.


all i ask for.
is to hold you.
for as long as i can.
and a kiss would do.
just to tell you how much i still love you.
and i'd never want to stop.
i'd never want to let you go.

so now i'll just concentrate on two thing.
okay.
maybe four.
school.
work.
family.
friends.

yeah.
and not have a relationship for a long tome to come.
yeah.
being alone kinda works.

thank you very much


i love you jo!
but you still havent send me nice pictures yet!

i have a slight idea what claire was talking to you about last night.
i know why she called me.
and i made myself vunerable infront of her.
and finally cried after so long.

what i want and what i need.
does it matter to you?
i didn't think so.

it wrong.
but i still think of you.
and it made me confused.
it just makes me want to be alone.
and maybe then it would be better for me.
then i'll know what i need.
and i want.
yeah.
its better this way.

i don't know whats going to happen in the future.
but hey.
i'm still counting.
and when you turn 18.
i hope i can give you a special present.
i can only hope.

i'm never going to throw my faith away.
and i'm going to keep my hope.
and i'm going to keep my faith around my neck still.
no matter what happens.

maybe you should understand it a need to be alone.
so please.
don't message me.
just treat me like before all this happened.
so don't make the first move to message me or to contact me.
i really need to think.

so maybe i have alot of things to hide.
so?
maybe i'm jsut scared and i'm running away.
as usual.

yes.
there is a need for me to be alone now.
cause there is just too many things going on that i need to clear out.
the last thing i need is someone to constantly ask me to share when i'm not comfortable with it.
it makes me feel weak and forced.
and thats the one thing i really don't like.

and i need a diary.
a planner.
so that i can be organised.
its a better choice.

maybe what claire said was right.
i'm becoming more and more like you.
but hey.
i can handle it.

i think i'm going to slap nessa like now.
she's already exactly like him!
i can handle it.
my bloody balls.
urgh!
i don't know why i still bother with you.
both of you.
you get on each other's nerves.
you get on my bloody nerves.
both of you.
i think i should stop before i get high blood pressure.
but then.
yeah.
i'll be here if both of you need me la.
yeah.

so i guess this is how it goes.
i don't know what to do now.
until monday?
i hope i can give you a good answer on monday.
i didn't mean to hurt you.
i didn't mean to give you false hope.
maybe we both thought that we can go though this.
but in the end.
our past catches up with us.
i'm trying my very best.
i know i am.
i'm trying to be the right person for you.
but at the same time.
i want to be honest to myself.
i want to do whats right.
i don't know how i can commit when i don't know what i want and who i am.
which is why its difficult.
to want anything from you.
to want to continue.
maybe i'll know what answer to give you on monday.
or maybe ill just let it come naturally.

jiawen & dunfu;
thanks for helping me when i need someone to hear me ramble.
and thanks for being my pillar of strength.
i just want you to know how much it means to me to have friends like you.
and i thank God for people like you.

and i'm just starting to think that i'm better off alone.
yes nessa.
go be a nun.
cause God will never leave you alone.
thats for sure.

so what on earth happened to my new year's resolution as to not skip school anymore?
i don't know.
which is why i was too lazy to wake up to go to school and learn science.

i'm off to cut my hair later.
yeah.
so its going to be so damn short that everyone would think that i'm a guy.
yeah.

okay.
there is nothing much to blog about really.
i figured that i can't really blog unless i'm emo.
so yeah.
if you people want a damn good long post.
please.
make me emo.
yeah right.
or maybe nessa's life is just way too boring for my own good.
yeah.
time to get some exxcitement then.
whoopie.


this one is for my kinda lost friend.
i know i posted this song for you before.
just wanted to remind you.
that i'll be here.
when you're done being alone.

there's a strangest excitement today.
if you're awake then you're welcome to hear.
i've got a gift and it blew me away.
from the far eastern sea straight to here.
oh God i feel like i'm in for it now.
its like a rush has gone straight to my brain.
but my voice is as lonely as loud.
as i whisper a joy of this pain.
and sddenly
you've done it all
you won me over.
in no time at all.
and now i'll stop the storm if it rains.
i'll make your fear melt away.
and the world we know disappears.
if you ask i will do what you say.
all we have is this night to get through.
with a twist of your smile your own way.
you left me all up in arms and confused.
oh God i feel like im in for it now.
and how this kiss would be wonderfully vain.
i swear i'll melt if you touch me at all.
but then i'll ask you to do it again, an again.
i'll stop the storm if it rains.
i'll light a path far from here.
i'll make your fear melt away.
and the world we know disappear.

i guess things are starting to look up for me.
and the felling is good.
like a load off my shoulders.
yeah.

so i'm not going to complain.
rather.
i'm just going to bask and rejoice in all things good.

bestfriend!
i tell you something.
keep your chin up no matter what alright?
things may be a little different now.
but i'm sure that things happen for a reason.
and that you'll come out of this stronger.
i love you bestfriend!

mushroom!
it know three years is a long time.
but i know you can do it.
just like how i did it.
stay strong and know that i'm here for you alright?

so i was thinking of putting in a song.
yeah.
but then i ran out of nice unknown songs.
so its alright.

i miss you pet.
and claire's birthday is coming.
soon.

<3
you know i'm happy.

i don't know what to say now.
oh my goodness.
and i swear its getting me stuck.
but keep your chinup nessa.
it works better this way.


i'm off to watch a movie later.
please don't let us watch another bad movie please.
i don't want to waste anymore money on yucky movies.
and nessa is really smart.
to not bring her sweater.
to go to the really cold cinema.

sorry if i can't say what you want me to say.
but i'm sure as hell that i'm going to try.

so i thought it was a special thing to celebrate your 18th with you.
only you.
but its alright.
maybe i feel a little disappointment.
but tis alright.
i hope that you'll have a wonderful year ahead.
yeah.
hope you had fun last night.
((:

i'm feeling sleepy.
but i have to go through class properly.

its just seems that you're so difficult to forget.
even backside agrees with me.
but hey.
you need your space.
you need your break.
so i'll jsut leaving it at that.

he's coming back soon.
i'm counting down the hours.
even though i have no idea what time he's going to touch down.
but will i be the first person he contacts?
the first person he messages?
the first person he calls?
i don't know.
i hope so.
the weekend has been kinda dull without him.

he's right.
why submit to what our classmates expect out of us?
we don't have to prove anything to them.
we don't have to prove anything to anybody.
just let it come natually.
yeah.
naturally.

just like how i'm going to forget the horrible times.
but then.
like you said memories are meant to be kept and treasured.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHERYL!
i love you dear.
its been so many many years with each other.
its twelve years together now!
you'll be my bridesmaid.
and i'll be yours.
we'll even get married together!
yes yes.
i'll have yummy chocolate fondue with you!
and sinful desserts!
and get fat together.
and we shall take many pictures with each other too.
and neoprints that we'll keep until the end of time.
i wanna be with you until the end of time.
thats why i love you so!

i can't wait for tomorrow.
he's coming back.
finally.
i'm getting tired of waiting.

i just can't wait for monday to come.
i can't wait to see what he says.

my mummy is mad though.
she is.
asking so many questions all.
i so don't believe in that.

i'm off to watch death note on monday.
with my cliQue.
and i hope i'm not too dumb to understand the story.

i said sorry for all the misery i caused you.
and if you want to be left alone.
then i'll leave you alone.
sorry to burst your bubble.
but its getting easier not to constantly come to you when i need help.
i have other people that i trust.
i've got jo.
i've got faezah.
i've got shabin.
i've got jared.
i've got cliQue.
i've got manda.
i've got drey.
i've got sher.
and i've got GOD.
thats more than enough.
and if all else fails.
i know that pet will be there to listen.
varien will be there to comfort.
thats why.
but when you're done being alone.
you know you have a friend here.
if you need me to listen to you.
i'll be here.
i'll be your friend.
but thats all thats going to be.
understand?

lexine was being crazy during dinner.
cause she kept thinking of names to give YJ.
so that she can call him that.
it seems that his name is too difficult for her to remember.
how dumb can lexine can get?
but i love you still.


sheryl.
happy birthday in advance.
just in case i fall asleep by the time midnight comes.
i love you.
and i miss you.
12 years now!
and i think 12 is a good number.
ive known each other since we were ohsoyoung!
and this relationship will last us until we go so old!
i love you!
p.s: i miss you too!

i sent you a message.
even though i know you can't read it until you touch down.
but yeah.
the decision is there.
if you could read between the lines.
you'd know what i'm talking about.

be back soon.
and be back safe.

you're fucked up man.
you seriously are.
will it kill you to be honest?
i guess.
as far as friends go.
we're jsut superficial.
i can't complain anymore.
i can't be bothered.
i'm sick and tired of you.

jo said something yesterday.
and i was thinking about it.
yeah.
maybe what she said was right.

but then again.
whats holding me back?

im just way too depressed.
i want to go to hong kong for the weekend.
please?
God, give me an air ticket there now and let me be there with him.

that might work.

jo's pissing me off.
and we keep farting.
at river valley.
it just seems that we come here every week.
and everything jsut comes out when we're together right?
thats why we're crazy like that.

so we're waiting for the taxi uncle to come.
hurry up please!
thank you very much.

okay.
so he just boarded that plane.
so?
i can't stop looking at my phone to see if maybe he did send me something.
something to last me until sunday night.

just like how i lasted when my friend went to penang.

its funny how 24 hours can complicate things.
yeah.
everything is a mess now.
so i cannot decide.
so i don't know what i want.
so i'm just going let it happen naturally.
lets just hope that he can wait until then.
and i hope my friend won't treat me any different.

i still love you.
but then there are complications.

i'll only ask for a few days.
and when i know that its all fine and alright.
i'll let you know what i've decided.
and i got a feeling that it would be a good decision yeah?
i don't know if you can read this though.
but yeah.
i'll see you monday.
then you'll know.

its funny how people love to assume.

friend;
you guess?
nothing is for sure until you clarify.
but thanks for saying that you'll be there for me.
it nice to know.
there isn't a him.
but thanks for wishing.
although is fruitless to do so.
you know what i told you.
that everything i though i had was lost.
you know what i feel about people who assume right?
i thought you know me better than that.
but like everything else.
i know we can get through this.
and most of the videos were for you.
except the last one.
i'm still here no matter what.
you're still here in this heart.
somewhere?
but hey.
the last time i checked.
you're there.
like i said.
you've helped me complete my puzzle.
and you've helped me grow.
in more ways that i've never imagined.
i guess now i'll know when to catch you.
when i need you.

yj's going to hongkong soon.
so yeah.
have a safe trip alright?
and come back home safe.
and buy many pretty things for me.
although its not that good to skip class.
but next time.
unless i skip class.
you cannot k?
cannot.

40 questions.

1. Story behind your Friendster song?
that someone shouldn't think that they are irreplacable. and that even though i have feelings for someone, i'm not missing him. more of telling myself that actually.

2. What month were you born in?
november.

3. Where do you live?
farrer park.

D E S C R I B E Y O U R

4. Wallet?
flat purple and a gift from samantha darling!

5. Dream car?
i don't know?

6. Toothbrush?
green and white.

7. Jewelry worn daily?
my snowlfake earrings and my single black band.

8. Pillow case?
white and colourful round dotts on it!

9. Eyes?
dark brown. thats what my manager says.

10. What's your favorite color?
purple.

11. What was your favorite [original] power ranger color?
i think it was pink. everyone loved pink back then.

12. Cologne/perfume?
gucci, envy me.

13. CD in stereo?
fergie.

14. Piercings?
three on my ears.

W H A T A R E Y O U

15. Wearing?
my black shirt, jeans and slippers. typical poly wear.

16. Thinking?
about how things should happen naturally.

17. Wanting?
i'm not even going to acknowledge this question. cause if i do. its going to be a damn long list.

18. The last thing you ate?
i can't remember.

19. Something you are afraid of?
yeah. i fear alot.

D O Y O U

20. Do you like candles?
i love scented candles. if thats what you're asking.

21. Do you like the taste of blood?
do i look like i drink blood.

22. Do you believe in love?
yeah.

23. Do you believe in soulmates?
yeah. and i've found mine.

24. Do you sleep naked?
if i feel like it.

25. Do you like seafood?
fish!

26. Do you remember your dreams?
im too tired to dream nowadays.

27. Do you consider yourself a study freak?
yeah. one that hates studying.

28. Do you consider yourself a health nut?
never.

29. Do you like tattoos?
i was thinking of getting one myself if everybod stop strongly objecting to it.

30. Do you believe in miracles?
uh-huh

32. What's something you wish you could understand better?
myself. cause i'm messed up.

33. Who is on your mind right now?
many things. him included.

34. Are you shy around a crush?
wouldn't you?

35. Do you have a crush on someone right now?
i don't know.

37. How many siblings do you have?
none.

38. Got any plans for the weekend?
church and work.

39. Who do you miss other than your crush/boyfriend or girlfriend?
my bestfriend and my son.

40. What is the one thing you have learned in life?
never shortchage yourself.

i know i'm posting way too much for my own good.
but do i look like i care.
no.

my mood has been changing so damn much.

i'd never use the word hate.
usually never.
but now.
i just can't wait for someone to just simple vanish off the face of the earth.
and not let anyone remember the existance of this person.
maybe things will be better for everyone.
it will make everything easier.

and i realised that i haven't put up a video.
maybe i should put up one for you love.
if i can't say what i wanted to in the beginning.
maybe now this song can help me.
to say what i couldn't say.
just let me say i'm sorry for one last time.

to you out there.
i hate you.
you get sick of us.
every realise that maybe we'll get sick of you too?
i don't need this kind of attitude from you.

cause i don't have the energy to do anything else.
i don't feel like loving so i go breaking someone's heart.
how smart can nessa be?
but hey.
no matter what happens.
i love you still.

when everything is right.
i'll give us a shot.
and let everything go naturally.

and there's never a right time to say goodbye.

so now the job is to resist.
just try for a day.
if it works.
try for another day.
until it becomes a week.
if you feel tempted.
give in for once.
then start the cycle all over again.
until you totally lose the temptation.

i don't like the way i'm feeling.
i don't like the person i've become.
like i'm so cold and distant.
even if i see something thats supposed to affect me.
i simply go;
oh okay.
like am i supposed to react to anything at all?

maybe i'm just going through a bout of depression.
again.
hopefully it just inst as horrible as the one i used to have.
i just hope that this will pass over soon.

i just want claire to shut up.
i'm not oing to care either.
although there is one symptom of depression thats making me laugh.

You might lose interest in sex.

so yeah.
i'm depressed.
cause sex doesn't interest me.

urgh.
fuck this.

i've changed so much and it gets kinda scary.
would it be okay.
to say that i haven't cried for so long.
cause i'm feeling nothing.
fron everything that has been happening the past few weeks.
the last time i broke down.
was when i cried infront of jo and jem.
and i jsut felt totally detached from everything else after that.
i don't know.
i'm just feeling nothing.
even as i typed the previous post.
i couldn't cry.
so yeah.
don't kill me cause i'm not human.
it isn't good.

let me start off by saying that i'm sorry.
that its unfair to you.
we both know it.
it wasn't fair to use you as a rebound.
i'm sorry that this became one sided.
it wasnt meant to be.
and i'm sorry for not giving everything i could.
in what we had.
and im sorry that i couldn't tell you to your face.
even though i miss the long bus rides with you.
falling asleep on your shoulders.
for giving me the comfort i needed when horrible stuffs happened.
thank you love.
you're everything a girl could dream of.
but i guess it isn't the right time.
and i feel that i should tell you now before i get attached.
too attached to you.
and that isn't a good thing.
so yeah.
i know i've hurt you once.
but this time is the last.
i promise.
i don't want to hurt you anymore.
i love you.
but its just not right.
because it isnt fair to you.
when you don't know who i am.
and i can't commit myself to you.
sorry.

so now the world knows who and wha you are.
everyone but you.
so maybe now its time to take a sep bck.
and look at your own reflection.
maybe then you'll realise you're not who you think you are.
you're just pretending to be someone you're not.

so its the first day of school and i find myself waking up so many time in the middle of the night.
so bloody afraid that i'll be late for school.
so yes.
i did wake up and i did go to school.
kudos for nessa.
its my word of the day.
only to realise that i have a test this morning.
and no.
nessa never studies for her tests.
oh, and by the way, if you're interested.
i got an A for my culture test.
maybe i'm pround of myself.

oh yeah,
so i went to watch a movie yesterday.
with my classmates.
well the clique minus a couple of people.
curse of the golden flower.
the movie was disappointing i must say.
although i have no idea what was going on half the time.
i know the storyline about after two thirds of the movie.
everybody ended up dead and there was no ending.
so i was lost.
and pissed off.
i really don't believe in movies with no endings.
it was as if it was begging for a sequel.
which reminds me of skeleton key.
where u have no idea whats happening and then when i do.
it ends without an ending.
sutpid isn't it?
so why couldn't we watch erragon instead?
i think dragons are better.
they are less disappointing.
seriously.
at least they come with endings la.
oh my goodness.

i miss a few poeple right now.
sheryl, shabin and jared.
to name a few.
i haven't seen her in like so long.
sorry i didn't get you a present.
but i wrote you a card.
and i hope that its good enough.

jared,
you have many things to tell me.
only we both know alright?

and friend,
never listen to what claire tells you alright?

just a short post before i head off to work again.
i spent the new year with people i didn't think i'll spend it with.
maybe i started off the year wrong.
but hey.
it is a new year after all.
so its time to start things over.
yeah.

just so you know.
i miss you love.
stay safe for me then.
i know its the best you can do for me.